


I kinda just hoped you wouldn't notice

by TheEdster



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: M/M, Medication, Pararibulitis (Dirk Gently), RIP Todd, Side Effects, When you try your best but you don't succeed, almost sexy time, awkward talks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 16:03:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10902741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheEdster/pseuds/TheEdster
Summary: Dirk's looking at him with this weird, partially panicked, partially upset, mostly confused expression, and honestly Todd wishes that the floor would open up and swallow him, or that this was a dream he could wake up from. Mostly though, he just wishes he could get it up.





	I kinda just hoped you wouldn't notice

Dirk's looking at him with this weird, partially panicked, partially upset, mostly confused expression, and honestly Todd wishes that the floor would open up and swallow him, or that this was a dream he could wake up from. Mostly though, he just wishes he could get it up.

 

It's not that Todd didn't want to. Lord knows, he wants to. He's been wanting to ever since he woke to find Dirk in his apartment at 2.04 am about four months ago, holding a tape measure and wearing socks, briefs and nothing else. Dirk had been mumbling something about a theory he'd had in his sleep (Todd didn't remember what he'd said) and had wanted to measure the length of his curtains, but Todd had just rolled over and passed out again.

 

At the time, it hadn't been sexy in the slightest - at best, slightly amusing and at worst, exasperating and embarrassing. But the more he'd thought about it, the more his mind had provided extra details he'd ignored or forgotten (it didn't escape him that his brain had been running at 20% and it was probably all in his head) but he's been thinking about it none the less.  
Just how tall and thin he was. How pale his skin was. How pink his lips looked in dim yellow lamplight. How at night his hair adopted a sort of spikey, wrinkled look that looked to Todd as if someone had been running their fingers through it roughly. How tight Dirk's briefs were. How the small discoloured spot on his shoulder - the scar left over from that fucking electric crossbow - looked, well. Like a hickey.  
Somehow Todd found it suddenly hard to not think about Dirk's body. He wasn't stupid, he knew when he was attracted to someone, but this was different. This was Dirk.  
He'd brushed the feelings off, like most things regarding Dirk, as a strange but brief act of universal randomness that didn't mean anything (aside from maybe Todd needed to get laid), though that line of thinking had ended 3 weeks and 2 days after, when Dirk kissed Todd square on the mouth, told him he'd take a bullet for him, and then had promptly done so.  
Fast forward another 4 days, to Todd and Farah setting Dirk carefully down on his couch after picking him up from the hospital.  
"And you're sure you'll be fine here?"  
"Absolutely. I will be one hundred percent a-okay. And besides, Farah, I'm not alone. I've got Todd!" Dirk had flashed a brilliant smile at Todd, making his stomach shrink. He'd felt ill ever since he'd heard the bang, seen blood - Dirk's - splash against the concrete pavement.  
Farah looked at him weirdly but said nothing. She left not long after, though Todd didn't move or even say goodbye. He'd been hovering near the end of the couch the whole time.  
Dirk had been looking at him too. They'd shared a lot of heavy looks throughout their time together, although by that point they'd begun to have very different meanings behind them. And standing there, watching Dirk watch him, Todd decided then and there that life was too fucking short for looks and thoughts.  
"So, uh... thanks? I think. Even if that was a really dumb thing you did. And, um, Dirk? For what it's worth, I'd take a bullet for you too."

 

After that terrifying, confusing, awkward conversation, Todd and Dirk's relationship had changed. After that, Todd no longer felt the need to stop those pesky thoughts about Dirk from entering his head, so much so that he easily spent most of his days thinking about him, his looks, his smile, his vibrant personality. Their dynamic didn't change all that much, but the time they spent alone together did. Drastically. Which lead them to where they were now.

 

Dirk had come over under the pretence of borrowing a book, but when Todd had let him in, he hadn't even glanced at the bookshelf. Eyes glued to Todd, Dirk had reached behind Todd's smaller frame and pushed the door close, locking it. Where he would've been looking over the old covers and studying the titles, he studied Todd's face, lips, with keen interest. When he should've been leaving not long after with a new book in hand, instead they were stumbling to Todd's bed, hands grasping, lips moving together.  
Dirk, not terribly experienced yet eagerly enthusiastic, always had enough sense to leave his shoes by the door, but somehow still had trouble when it came to removing his trousers in a rush. Todd thought it absolutely adorable, even as he struggled to untangle his arms from his shirt, even as in the back of his mind he hoped that this time, maybe, just maybe...  
But, of course, nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. Even as Dirk pressed him into the mattress. Even if he made the sweetest noises when Todd fisted his hair and pulled lightly. Even though Todd honestly wanted nothing more than to grind himself on Dirk's thigh, he knew that it just wasn't happening.  
And so did Dirk, pretty soon after. It was around the time that Todd began to tense and pull away that Dirk moved them just so, and could feel for himself just what was missing.  
He pulled away from the kiss like someone had thrown cold water on him. He'd pushed himself completely off of Todd, moving to down to the end of the mattress and just staring. His arms had wrapped themselves around his waist, almost like a loose hug, and his eyes were shiny.  
An uncomfortable silence settled over them for a long moment before Dirk looked him in the eye.

 

"Todd... is it me?" The question hit him like a punch in the gut. Fuck. Damn it, he knew he should've said something but if he's honest, he was never good at being honest.  
"Because if it is, well, I mean it'd suck but if it is just me then I can respect that, respect you, if you don't want to... with me. Well. I mean, this isn't the first time that you... that you've. Christ. Is it me?" Todd absentmindedly noted Dirk was wearing the same briefs he wore when he broke in several months ago. He looked put out, a tad hopeless and confused, and Todd hated it. He sat up.  
"No. No, it's not - you aren't, you're not the-" Todd hated himself. "It's not you, I just have this... um. Thing."  
"A thing?"  
"Yes, okay? Look, Dirk, I know I should have told you earlier but I... kinda just hoped you wouldn't... notice?"  
Dirk looked even more baffled. Todd wanted to shoot himself in the foot.  
"Wouldn't notice? Kind of hard to notice that there's nothing, you know, hard."  
"I know, and I'm sorry, this isn't how I... It's not you. I swear, Dirk, it's just that..."  
Todd looked pleadingly at Dirk, and his face shifted. His expression was still a mix of confusion and hurt, but it was muted slightly. The tilt of his head let Todd know Dirk was beginning to understand that Todd had something big on his mind, that this maybe wasn't a rejection, and that Todd would tell him in his own frustrating, awkward way.  
"Okay. So... what's... going on?" One of Dirk's hand broke free to gesture roughly in the vicinity of Todd's junk. Fuck, this was perfect. There Dirk was, with his mussed up hair, his pink lips, his shoulders discoloured with hickeys and one scar from an electric crossbow. The way his pale skin looked in the dim light of Todd's lamp made Todd feel like saying something poetic, but he didn't have the brain power needed, nor did he care to embarrass himself even more this evening.  
He looked at Dirk and thought about how much he'd love to take things further, push him further, how he wanted to know what expressions Dirk wore with Todd's hand on his dick, if his back would arch up into his touches, if Dirk was as noisy in bed as he normally was, or was he quiet, whimpering and gasping. Wanted to know if he was a biter. If he liked it fast, or slower, or rough. If Dirk liked being in control, or would let Todd take the lead.  
But that couldn't happen. Because Todd couldn't get hard. Because Todd was taking medication for this stupid, stupid fucking disease and he couldn't get hard and it was messing with his head, messing things up with Dirk who clearly was eager to move things along but...  
"I can't... you know. Because of..." deep breath, loud exhale, and Todd closed his eyes. "...it's the meds. I can't, uh, get hard."

 

It was quiet. Todd didn't really feel like opening his eyes to check, but if not for the fact he hadn't heard Dirk leave, he wouldn't have guessed he was still there.  
Todd had a lot of doubts about himself, and rarely did he feel good about himself, so having this thing with Dirk was amazing and, on occasion, mind numbing. It was Todd and Dirk, Dirk and Todd, them together, equally wanting to push each other and to get closer yet knowing even if they weren't touching, simply being close was enough. But when they were like this, right now, it was different. Because suddenly, one of Todd's many flaws was there, screwing it up royally.  
"Todd."  
Dirk was looking at him again, with one of those looks. The kind that called him an idiot but also said I love you.  
"You mean for your..."  
"Pararibulitis. Yeah. It's... a side effect. Of the meds."  
"And you thought... what did you think, exactly? Why didn't you just..." But of course Dirk didn't need to finish that question, he knew Todd enough to know it was just his way.  
"Its kind of really embarrassing to admit you've got problems getting hard, even if... well."  
"Fair point, I suppose. Though it would've been nicer to know a little earlier, instead of thinking it was me. But now that I know, we can always... just not."  
Now it was Todd's turn to frown. "What?"  
"Just, you know. Not do anything sexual."  
"What does that mean?"  
"Todd. We don't have to go any further. No, shush, listen." Dirk hushed him before he even opened his mouth to argue. He looked about 2 seconds from rolling his eyes, something he picked up from his time with Todd.  
"Todd, you have this thing. I know you think that it's a hassle, and I won't lie, it's... awful, to watch it happen to you, but it's something that you cannot simply will away. All you can do is take your medication, and sometimes go visit those... demons your sister hangs out with. But this side effect, while disappointing in this particular situation, is certainly no trouble for me. I've been, uh, taking care of myself for quite a while, Todd. I can wait. Even if it means we're going to have to show a little restraint for awhile, it's fine."  
Dirk shuffled forward and wrapped slim fingers around Todd's ankle, making small, soothing circles with his thumb. "I mean it, Todd. I love you."  
Sometimes, when Dirk talked, it made no sense to Todd. Other times it made sense, but also sounded like complete and total bullshit. But a decent portion of the time, Dirk's rambling actually made an incredible amount of sense. Todd smiled.  
"I love you too."  
Dirk smiled back, brighter than he had all evening, for all of two seconds before it changed to something decidedly smug.  
"Good. Now come on, cheer up. You're far too hard on yourself."  
"Oh my god, shut your mouth."

**Author's Note:**

> First timer on Ao3. Also have a rarely used Tumblr:  
> http://silliness-shipping-and-rainbows.tumblr.com/


End file.
